Using more emotions words in business creates an inclusive environment

There is a routine that plays out in the workplace time and time again. I ask HOW you’re doing, you tell me WHAT is happening, and then we proceed as if those two things are exactly the same. 

We don’t say “I’m sad because XYZ.”  We just say XYZ, as if any reasonable person should know how we will feel in reaction to that specific combination of events. But just because I know what is happening around you doesn’t mean I know how you feel; humans are variation machines and what feels good to me doesn’t always feel good to you.

So a few years ago, I started explicitly trying to draw out the use of emotion words. First by moving away from coded wording; instead of asking how you’re DOING, I ask how you’re FEELING, even though we typically tend to think of those as the same thing. And reactions vary in a typical 2×2: not/noticing, not/emotional.

Some people don’t seem to notice and don’t change their wording. And that needs to be alright; inclusivity doesn’t mean that we demand emotionality from people who aren’t comfortable using that framing in the workplace. Ditto for noticing and not changing; if I offer the prompt and they choose to take it a different direction, it is on me to respect that.

Others don’t seem to notice but implicitly switch to an emotional frame. And that’s really lovely: I’ve learned a lot about colleagues that I wouldn’t normally have known. In particular, I hear more about racism, sexism, and classism in the workplace this way – opening the door to emotion also opens the door to events that are likely to have emotional consequences.

And then some people notice, pause, and then switch to an emotional framing. This is honestly my favorite, because I imagine that it is now slightly more likely that they’ll do this for someone else, making the whole workplace a bit more humane.

The other thing I’m trying (and largely failing, because my superpower is having a two hour long conversation entirely about you) is to use more emotion words myself. Now I could argue that rather like a noticing/not emotional person, I should have the right to keep my emotions private. And I do.

But creating change often isn’t about exerting our right to comfort; it is about being personally uncomfortable in order to make other people more comfortable. Think of it like standing up to give someone your seat on a bus, except you’re standing out emotionally so others have the chance to do so as well.

Maybe this isn’t the hill you want to struggle up; there are plenty of other ways to make more inclusive workplaces that don’t evolve emotionality. But consider trying it as an experiment: at least for today, use and solicit more emotional wording and then reflect on how it changed your interactions. Do you feel…happier?